YOUR CHILDREN ARE WATCHING

                          

On the morning that our elderly mother died in the nursing home, one of the staff members who knew our family, came up to me, shared her condolences and then said, “But you were here so often.”

 

I was taken aback by that observation. I said to myself, ‘No, only once a week.’ (I had to drive 150 km. to visit.) If my presence once a week appears to be so often to the staff member, how many of the residents hardly ever see a family member or a visitor?

 

As a family we had time to reflect on this observation. At the same time there was the recent memory of the daughter who did not come back to visit either her aged mother or father when they were in the care home. This woman had other sisters and brothers who were very present during the last years of their parents’ life.  Her absence was noted!

 

In our minds we looked at her adult children (all in their early forties) and concluded: “Remember, your children are watching.” If we were not present when in the last years of our parents’ life, in their diminishment, then we should not expect our children to be present either. Remember, our absence to our own parents set the example for our children to follow when it is our turn to arrive at the nursing home.

 

Sometimes we have to be very firm with these adult children when they say, “But Mom doesn’t  know us anymore.” Honey! This is not about you! It has nothing to do whether or not she recognizes you or can carry on a conversation. This is your mother (or father). Even if they no longer can communicate and need to be fed and diapered, they have not changed. This is still the person who loved you, raised you, struggled with you in the frustrations of moving into adulthood and rejoiced when you reached adulthood. This is your parent!

 

Adult children need some assistance in caring for a parent who suffers from serious diminishment. Adult children must be taught how to handle their mother in her dementia. Do not ask questions, it only confuses and frustrates them because the aged parent cannot give the answer (and they know they cannot give the answer!).  Visit with two people so you can have some conversation and not become frustrated because you cannot talk (people who talk a lot are very frustrated by the inability to their aged mother to enter into conversation). 

 

Real love can be harsh and dreadful. Just holding your mother’s hand (i.e., human touch) for long periods of time can be very boring – but it can be very reassuring to your mother. 

 

Now, all sixty-year olds must ask themselves: What kind of example (i.e. teaching) have I presented to my adult childred? They have been watching, and what are they learning?  How we will be treated in the nursing home (it could easily be the last five years of your life) is being determined right now.

 

Remember, your children are watching!