THE ‘NO FUNERAL’ BURDEN

 

There are certain trends or practices that surface within the social life of a society that make us question “where is that coming from?” One such practice is the no funeral stipulation that the dying person imposes on their family. This is not healthy. It places serious burdens on the surviving family/friends.

 

Whenever we lose someone that we care about there is a real loss. We experience that a part of our life has been ripped away. We enter into grief. This is real feelings of loss, emptiness and incompleteness. There is the mistaken interpretation that somehow we should not feel grief or pain when the loved one dies. Grief is a real state of life. It hurts! I am suffering!

 

Our ancestors knew from long experience that if you do not come to terms with your grief or loss, you will deal with it somewhere along the line. These are not emotions that you can walk away from with no consequences. You have loss someone you love and care about. You pain inside. Now, how can you come to deal with your grief?

 

Too many Canadians think that a funeral is an event in the funeral home or a church. Many people will also say that ‘I don’t want people talking about me in a eulogy.’ 

 

No human can grieve alone. The purpose of coming together is to share and remember the life story of the loved one is. We  share our grief and rejoice in their love and friendship. A funeral (in whatever form it takes) is a place to hang our grief. We the living need to do this!

 

We want to say to all the people who burden their families with the ‘no funeral’ order that “this is not about you honey!” Funerals are for the living first and foremost. The living need to  work through their grief and suffering. We need to grieve with one another. 

 

A leave-taking (i.e. funeral) can take the form of  a family barbeque where we gather to share our memories and stories of the departed. It need be not only a time of remembering but also a time of building and nourishing friendships within family and friends. This is where people (who have no church affiliation) need to have do-able options to deal with the grief.

 

Several years ago, one Mother in Edmonton had made it clear to her four daughters that there was to be no funeral. The four women said: “We can’t do this.” They followed the suggestion of their pastor and they had “The Girl’s Memorial Service.” The name was clearly printed on the bulletin that was distributed. This was not a funeral. It was the girl’s service. After the memorial service and the lunch were completed the four women said: “That was so good.”

 

We have a very human need to grieve. The loss is very real. In this confusion we as a society must rediscover the wisdom of our ancestors. They knew from experience that you need to have a place to hang your grief. This is healthy. We need to walk with each other through our grief.