DEALING WITH OUR GRIEF

 

In November our thoughts turn towards the ‘end things.” We know that everyone has and ending date and we need to be prepared for our exit.

 

We navigate the journey of life with rituals that guide us to celebrate successes and moments of gratitude. We also have rituals that guide us through suffering, break-downs and death. 

 

As our society has drifted more and more into a very individualistic way of being, we have lost touch with the power of ritual. This is strongly manifested when a loved one dies.

 

There are more people directing their families that there is to be no funeral. We want to caution everyone from the long experience of our ancestors: don’t ever bind your family with such a directive. 

 

If your declining father indicates that there is to be ‘no funeral,’ you can always respond “He didn’t say we couldn’t have a barbeque in his memory.’

 

Leave-taking or funerals can take many different forms. There was an obituary about three weeks ago that invited all the friends to gather at a particular pub on a weekday evening at 7:30pm.  This is a type of funeral. It is probably something that you never  want to see happen in your case, but it is a leave-taking. 

 

If there is no funeral, we often hear the friends saying ‘something is missing.’

 

Funerals are always for the living. This is something that we (the survivors) must do together. You can never grieve alone. The pain of our loss needs to be shared, cried and laughed over, and made a part of our life. When you lose someone close to you, the pain never goes away. You just learn to live and navigate life without them. When you injure your foot, the pain is very present. You just learn to walk up and down the stairs with a sore foot.

 

The white culture needs to relearn what the First Nations and Metis people have not misplaced. When someone dies, everything come to a halt. The friends and relatives gather to support the grieving family, tell stories, spend hours visiting each other and finally being present in prayer and gratitude for the formal part of the funeral. Then they have a feast (a banquet). 

 

After three days of this intense sharing, they are ready to return the departed loved one to the earth and then they must go back home to feed their kids and resume life. One half to three quarters of their grieving has been done. 

 

The power of ritual works very well here. These people have learnt from their ancestors that you need to share your pain and your loss, together. You need to put the departed where they need to be, and send the living to the place where they need to go!

 

We recognize the power within the ritual when we have people who are unfamiliar with the prayers and actions of the faith community, but they discover that doing the ritual will carry them through this part of their grief. Often, people with no religious background, will come back and say ‘thank you,’ that was so helpful.

 

We need to caution anyone who does not want a funeral what constrictions and difficulties they are burdening their family with by this directive. 

 

Funerals and grief-sharing are for the living. These are the people who count in all of this.